No, of course not, they are not all bad.

Narcissists are also humans. They do bad things, yes, but they also have a good side to them. Narcissists don’t go around with the N stamp on their foreheads. They act and look like regular people, or even better. A lot of narcissistic victims, like me, got caught up in this perceived “goodness” that they portrayed. This was how I spent 5 years dating and getting married to the narcissist (the N) that I dealt with. If he would have shown his true colors in the first few months I dated him, all of this abuse would never have happened to me. Instead, he pushed and pulled, gave and took, fought and compromised with me in daily life. So I learned to disregard his trespasses and weird behaviors, thinking whatever they were, they were just minor inconveniences, that was how life goes, and that I could deal with that.

I probably was hoping that he could change. That was my glimmer of hope. But the thing is, everyone can change their behaviors, but they can’t change who they are. Narcissists can act like everything is fine and good, but eventually they will be back to being their narcissistic self.

Then I probably was thinking, relationship is hard. However, being in a relationship is not the same as being abused. That was my second light bulb moment.

Now looking back to the whole relationship, I started to realize how the cycle of abuse affected me, how I stayed with the N for 5 years. I also understand how other narcissistic abuse victims stay with their abusers for even longer, 15, 20 years and only truly see the abusers for what they are when the abusers discard them. It is because of this perceived “goodness” that they see in their partners, that they turn a blind eye to questionable behaviors. Then the narcissist’s gas-lighting, lies, blame-shifting, and manipulations further obscure victims’ rational thinking. Only until the situation becomes so bad, possibly similar to my situation, that the victims wake up and see the abusers for what they are. Even then, it takes some soul searching and careful examination of the relationship, because it’s hard for the victims to disregard all the wonderful things and good times that the narcissists gave them. If victims leave their guards down, the cycle of abuse has a chance to continue again.