During my journey, sometimes I made progress while other times I took a step backward in my recovery. How I felt about things could be quite unpredictable, especially in the beginning. The recovery process is not a linear path, it’s rather a composite of many emotional peaks and valleys. So besides no contact, which usually what is recommended first and foremost, what else that you can do to heal from narcissistic abuse? In my opinion it can be summed up in one word: acceptance.

You might ask me, what do I mean by acceptance? Acceptance of what? Acceptance of whom?

It’s not an acceptance of any one thing, it’s an acceptance of many things that I will discuss in this post and the next few subsequent posts.

When I first found out about the true nature of the Narcissist (the N) that I dealt with, I kept blaming myself. With me being gas-lighted and being talked down to by the N for so long, I was programmed by him to blame myself for his actions. I ruminated through my past actions. I wondered if I did enough to show my love for him. I wondered if there was something else I could have done to take my relationship back to the way it was before I was discarded.

I gradually started to recognize that the longer I lingered in these “what if” thoughts, the harder it took for me to get out of the trap. I found that

I needed to accept that my love for him was true, and that I did all I could with all that I knew to show that love, and he didn’t deserve of any of it.

I’m the kind of person who once I devote to something, I devote my whole entire self into it. So one I loved him, I did so with every fibers of my being. I loved him from the moment I woke up in the morning to the last thoughts that I had at night before I fell asleep. I never thought I could love someone like that. It might sound cliche but I loved him to the point where I could take a bullet for him if I needed to…The thing that I’m trying to get to is, I needed to accept how much that I loved him, and I needed not to doubt myself and my love for him. I’m only a human and I’ve done all I could. I needed this assurance to continue on for my own sake, and really not at all for the N’s sake. When I didn’t have this sense of acceptance, I would have self-doubt and then that would spiral into self-blaming, which was readily set up by the N’s prolonged gas-lightning tactics.

I would like to note that acceptance of this does not mean that I approved of his actions. Acceptance also doesn’t mean I would let the abuse continue on. It is more of a mental framework for a victim to heal from narcissistic abuse.

And of course, the N is like an empty shell. The person that I married, fell in love with, shared my life with, is gone. It feels like someone stuffed an evil heart, mind, and soul into the former body that I used to know. He’s like the ghost of yesterday that I need to let go out of my life completely.