In my experience, the act of disappearance, or discarding of the victim, is the hallmark of toxic relationships inflicted by narcissists. They can vanish and leave the victims confused and dazzled at what just happened. However, it’s important to note that for other people who might not be important in the narcissists’ priority list, the narcissist might never make a formal discard. They can simply quit communication and then later resume the conversation with no harm done.

Unfortunately, I, like a lot of other narcissistic abuse victims, did not realize who I got entangled with until I was discarded. Only after the Narcissist (the N) in my life was out of the door with almost no warnings after 5 years together and 3 years of marriage did I realize who he was. It was so bizarre and unacceptable that I think this act deserved to be in a movie scene. He left me crying hysterically while I lied on the couch like potato sack. I was in a state of total shock and confusion. Meanwhile, before he even had the conversation with me, he thought ahead enough to pack all his personal belongings and expensive gifts that I gave him. He practically took everything that he could fit in his car, down to the little thing such as my portable cooler, all unbeknownst to me. After telling me he was leaving, when he stepped out of my door, he actually had a sadistic smirk on his face. It was this smirk that prompted me to seek therapy, because I knew then that I didn’t know what I was dealing with at all, and that I needed help. Only with the help of my therapist that I figured out narcissism hold all the answers to his behaviors. He was done with using me, and he already had his mistress lined up, so I was tossed out just like I was a piece of garbage.

That’s just an example from my personal experience, but there are many potential reasons why a narcissist disappears. Depending on what they have going on, narcissists can disappear for hours, weeks, or even months while giving the victims no or very little information about their whereabouts.

• They might use their disappearance to impose their power over us, “I only want to talk to you when I want to”.
• They might disappear to inflict a silent treatment and punish you for doing something that hurts their fragile feelings (you actually might not know what you did). “I will make you feel sorry for what you did by refusing to communicate with you”.
• They might do it because they have some other interests on the side that they need to tend to. These can be romantic interests or even other interests such as money, power, reputation, etc. Remember these people are loyal to no one. At all time they are thinking about what they can do to advance themselves, and if we are happen to be in the way, they will shove us out. “I found someone/something better elsewhere; therefore, I don’t need you for now”.
• They might need time to “groom” their next supply and they don’t want us to be around because we can interfere with what they are doing. “I have a potential new person, and I don’t want you to be around cause you will make a scene”.
• They exert more power over us while we scrambled to figure out what happened and begged them to return to our lives. “I feel good when you beg for me so I will disappear so you will do just that”.

Why do they do this? Narcissists are emotionally stunned. They haven’t got a chance to grow up emotionally, so they are like adults with the emotional capacity of a toddler. How I think about it is, like a toddler, when they have a new toy, they will love the toy, cherish it, carry it with them everywhere. However, when the newness wears off, even though the toy is still a great toy, they throw it to the side and divert their undivided attention on the new toy. The cycle will then repeat for this new toy with an even newer toy. Occasionally they would take out one of their old toy, play with it only to toss it to the side again. It sounds cruel, but the truth is that narcissists treat their victims as their “toys” or objects. Overtime, the narcissists has enough people in their “collection” that they have a matrix, where they can draw up and use different people for different purposes. Because narcissists have no real emotional attachment to people, they can leave a relationship, even a committed, long term relationship such as marriage, without a second thought. It’s all about the next new thing for them. As long as they can get whatever that makes them feel good at the moment, attention, support, status, money, etc. from someone, they don’t care who it is.

It’s about power and control, and new shiny narcissistic supply for them. Sometimes it’s also simply because they are too busy dealing with a new interest, they don’t have the mental energy and time to deal with their victims. I find that by understanding their motives and what drives them, we can better defend ourselves against their tyranny, or better yet, prevent ourselves from getting into too deep or at all with them emotionally.