Toxic people, narcissists particularly in my experience, can tell very good tales. From a young age, they have learned different ways to manipulate people and so they have become master manipulators by the time they reach adulthood. One of the methods they use to lure people into their traps is to say what people would like to hear based on their interests, upbringing, education, etc. to get other people do what they want. Of course, as with a lot of things in life, it’s easier to talk the walk than to actually walk the walk. Therefore, their words and actions are inconsistent and non-congruent to each other.

I totally understand that we, as humans, are not perfect. However, the difference between a toxic person and a normal person is that a toxic person has a pattern of changing his words frequently, conveniently, whenever he or she feels fit with the situation. A toxic person can tell the most outrageous lie without blinking an eye. Sometimes I think they can do that because they believe in their own lies.

Toxic people are human chameleons; they say whatever to get what they want, but they do whatever that benefits them, and only them, the most.

For an example, the Narcissist (the N) that I dealt with told me whenever he got out of school and started to have his own income, he would help me with bills and share his finances with me. When the time came, of course, he would take off and absolve himself of any and all financial responsibilities after I have supported him all these years. I actually have to force him to pay his own personal bills.

Lies and empty promises are the names of the games. It could be very hard to spot these lies and promises before it’s too late sometimes. I have another example. If I had a chance to do it over, I would have raised a big red flag when the N got really mad because I used his printer to print a couple of pages. My printer happened to be out of order at the time. He said it was costly to use his printer’s ink, and instead I should fix mine and use it. I said I just needed to print something real fast, and I didn’t understand why he got so upset…Now I do. He opened his mouth and said he was generous, but in fact, he was completely the opposite of being generous; he was extremely tightfisted. He only wanted to exploit me for money but he would keep telling me sweet words to keep me in the game. His words and actions were totally contradicting to each other. This “printer” incident at the time appeared to be very small and insignificant, but now looking back, it was one of those thousands of little red flags that I ignored. And I really hope you wouldn’t do the same thing that I did. Pay attention instead of ignoring.

Toxic people’s words are cheap and empty. Their actions, however, are probably the best indicators we have to identify them. Do not make excuses for them. Look at their actions for what they actually are and judge it for yourself.

Keep in mind that narcissists can act like they are the opposite of who they are to maintain the façade. So if someone else is around, for example friends, family members, other people who can provide narcissistic supply, the narcissists would act like they are the most generous, the most kind, the most awesome person to impress these people. Sometimes only the narcissistic victims, the ones that suffer behind closed doors, would understand this difference in behavior patterns. And this is also why it can be very difficult for others to see what is actually going on. Narcissistic victims could face a constant battle between trying to discern what is real and what is unreal and at the same time being wrongly influenced by well-intentioned third parties who might not understand the dynamics of narcissistic relationships. So if you think you are dealing with narcissists, before take heed of any relationship advice by third parties, ask if the third parties know what narcissism is and how to deal with it. If they don’t know what narcissism is, their advice, which might be valid for a regular relationship, could send you down further in the rabbit hole and slow down your progress in recovery.