One of the major decision that I have to make during the ordeal with the narcissist (the N) is whether or not I should stay in the relationship.

After the discard, there were talks of reconciliation, also called “hoovering” in the narcissistic scheme of things. He gave out promises after promises, presented to me visions after visions of how “our family” could be. If I stay, things will be easier for a moment. He will surround me with love again. He will respect me like he promised. Everything will be great. There won’t be any more pain. My tears will be wiped away with his sweet, tender words. My eyes will once again set upon his face, dreaming about the perfect family that I’ve longed for.

The thing is, those things will only last for a moment. I have to keep reminding myself, because I’m dealing with a narcissist, after the new golden period, things will be right back to where they started. He will discard me again. He will break me again. He will cheat again. My looks will fade. My resources will be depleted. And he won’t be there for me when any of that happens.

If I stay, that means I accept that I would be a “Stepford wife”. Everything would look perfect from an outsider’s viewpoint. I would be scrupulously maintaining an admirable, stable home for him when he’s having a double life with another woman where he’s supposed to “work”. I would take on the “window dressing” role, providing him the perfect façade of which he can safely keep his secrets and immoralities behind. I would conform to his wishes and his moods, ignoring my own. My work and my achievements would be belittled and disregarded, because who I am to be better than the narcissist.

If I stay, I would try to be perfect for him, even though the definition of “perfection” in his mind change by the day. The goal posts would be moved over and over again. If I’m not doing anything, I would be considered “lazy”. If I concentrate on my career and my own advancement in life, I would be called “not a good mother”. If I want to travel somewhere he doesn’t want to go, it would be “too expensive”. If he wants me to go somewhere with him though, it doesn’t matter that it is expensive because “we need to spend time together”. All of these things that he said to me, would be repeated or regurgitated in one way or another, as long as I stay.

If I stay, unless he finds another one who is more willing than me or has more resources than me to maintain his home life, he would never leave me for good. He might “be busy with work” for a little bit if he needs to spend time with his new flings of the moment, but he would always come back to me to maintain the façade that he’s been portraying. By staying, I would turn a blind eye to all of that and accept his behaviors.

If I stay, I would tell my future children that it is ok to be misogynic, that it’s ok to treat a woman as a stepping stone for material or status gain in life. I would become their role model, and they would, in turn, go down the same path that I paved for them.

If I stay, there would only more pain, more destruction, and more erosion of my own character. Therefore, as hard as a decision it is, I have decided to leave. I have to accept that he never cares for me as a person, he only cares about what he can get from me and what I can do to make his life look perfect. As much as I wanted to keep my marriage vows, my self-respect, dignity and sanity have to come first.

I made a bid for escape.

For whoever is reading this, if you’re in the same situation as I was, I hope that you will have enough courage and strength to make the decision that is best for you, despite the hardship and heartbreak that might come with it.

Namaste.